(I finally found the time to post this…. )
The start of the year and here I am still doing my best to stand up again from the fall last 2008. It’s hard to start from scratch again but nonetheless I’m glad I was able to stay sane. Last year was full of heartaches and it was last year that I realized how devastating love can be.
I hide a lot of things from people I know. I don’t tell them my pains and they don’t know half of what I’ve been through. There are those who I’ve told a few. Funny thing though sometimes I can’t control myself and end up telling my life story to strangers. I guess it’s easier to tell strangers. I know they won’t get hurt with those things.
Emptiness and loneliness have always accompanied me. I don’t know why I feel these things when in fact, I have many friends. Maybe I am starting to love those feelings. I am a drama queen but I know you won’t believe me. Oftentimes, people would see me smiling and I always appear to be positive about the world. But at the same time, I am so pessimistic when it comes to my own life.
I’ve never believed in myself. Frequently, I put myself down. Self-pity has always been a master of mine. Though others may say they envy me and the life I live but in reality they’re wrong. If they only saw the skeletons in my closet maybe they’d take back what they say. Sometimes, I wished I could live all by myself in a deserted island where no one could find me and live there until I decay. I’d be happy if it came true.
You’d probably think I’m mad. Why would someone choose to live alone. My reason is simple. When you are alone, you won’t get disappointed, hurt or frustrated by others. No more lies, deceit, disappointments and rejection. That would be a beautiful dream.
People ask me if I had a boyfriend and more often they won’t believe me when I tell them I don’t have one. Why don’t I have one? It’s not that nobody likes me. It’s just that I chose to be like this. I’d rather be like this than suffer another heartache. Maybe I am a coward. I just want to play it safe. It’s not easy to give my trust again. I was about to change my stand about this thing late last year but just when I was about ready to fall again, I got another blow and it hurt me so badly. I never thought that I’d feel something for that person, with all the hurt I got from my ex, but it did happen. And just like that, I found myself in another heartbreak again. Maybe it’s my fate. To love and never be loved. I’ll always be caught up in this cycle of I like him but not for him I’m just a wallflower. Sometimes I start to think about taking the easy way out. Saying yes to a guy who I don’t have feelings for. But I can’t take it. The thought of using someone just to fill up the emptiness is utterly pathetic.
2009 is a new year. A new chance to create a better story on a clean slate. If there are things that I’d like to change it would be to have more faith on myself and to avoid being cynical, thinking that all guys hurt and disappoint. I so badly wish that before my birthday comes I would not be as empty and hurt as now. I’m scared of getting hurt again. I don’t want to go on every night deceiving others that I am happy when in fact I’m lost and melancholic. I’m tired of being the emotional lone wolf that I am now. My best friend tells me not to get impatient but it’s so hard to wait. I of all people should know the value of patience. Most of the mistakes that I did in the past were out of impulsiveness. It did great damage to my life. I don’t want doing those mistakes all over again. I wish that this year I would no longer feel this emptiness within me. I’m praying that as I face this year, I will be able to smile not only when people are around me but also when I am alone.